The Taboo Words: Submit and Obey (Part 1)

The most taboo words I ever heard as a woman growing up were “submit” and “obey”, both of which are frequently used to describe the good Christian wife. The modern female American hates those words. If she does not hate them, she must be controlled by a religious chauvinist pig. As usual, society has a warped idea of what those words mean and react in an unbiblical manner to eradicate them from our lives. Some of my family is very worried that my husband will be very controlling and that I will have no say in the marriage. When I explain that a man and wife always discuss things when they disagree and come to an answer that way, they say "that sounds good, but what about when you still don't agree? Who makes the decision then?" They've got a problem with the man having a final say, or authority, in a relationship. This kind of attitude is not limited to my family; this attitude is throughout America. What changed in our society to make it normal for a woman to lead a relationship? What kind of falsehoods permeate our brains to make women believe all men are inept at leading and are only power-hungry fools?

America believes that every man, woman, and child are created equally regardless of race, gender, religious beliefs, etc. This statement itself is ridiculous, but the intent behind it is not. Every human on this earth is equally important in God's eyes -- we were all, man and woman, created in God's image, and if any one of us sins and does not ask for redemption we will go to Hell. That is how we are equal. But to say "we are created equally" means that women can be just as strong as men and men can bear children. These are physical impossibilities, of course. Likewise, there are universally marked differences between a man and woman's behavior. Women tend to be more compassionate, more motherly, more emotionally-driven. Men tend to be more logical, more assertive, more of a leader. Now, not ALL women are like that and not ALL men have those qualities, and oftentimes a woman can be both compassionate and assertive, or a man can be both a leader and emotionally-driven. This is no secret; I am merely stating the pattern of male and female behavior from the past several thousand years.

Women's liberation believes women should be able to do all the things men do, and that includes having equally important careers and leadership roles. I agree that women were being held back from their potential and treated unfairly; however, the kinds of ideas that came out of women's lib are far from Christ-like. Women's lib believes that women are equal to men the way the statement makes it sound; if men can do it, women can do it too and should, often at the cost of losing the qualities that make a woman "womanly". While it is true that many women are capable leaders and think logically, it is a falsehood to assert that every woman should be expected to cast aside all qualities of womanhood and become a female in a man's role. This has lead to generations of confused women who are attempting to usurp the men and "do it all" by raising the kids and working the high-brow career. The social shift has only begotten generations of inept males and dissatisfied women who, instead of fighting for their rights as women, fought for their rights to be exactly like a man. This is far from liberating.

Why did most women fall into this trap? I believe there are three big sinful motivations for women coveting the man’s position:

Lust for Power. The Original Sin was lust for power. The only thing Adam and Eve did not have, as Satan put it, was the ability to "be like God, knowing good and evil." (Genesis 3:5) Be like God, huh? What did that mean for Eve? Did that mean she could elevate her status? She wanted Adam to partake in eating the apple as well, but what was her motivation? I wonder if she wanted Adam to share in the power with her or if she simply did not want to be alone in her sin. She and Adam were perfectly balanced in their roles as man and wife, so she did not feel the need to usurp Adam; no, she wanted more power, more authority, and the only way to do this was to be like God. After the fall, God cursed Eve with this dreaded text in Genesis 3:16: “Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Oh no! So with sin in the picture, relationships are now inevitably unbalanced. Man has the authority, the power, and women will always want that power, but they will always want the male too. This leads to the next situation.

Fear. Since the men have the power over the woman, some women are afraid that the man will abuse his responsibilities and manipulate the situation so he can keep the woman down. With sin in the picture, this is a very likely scenario. It has happened too many times to count. When women hear about this kind of unfairness and abuse, it makes them want to change something. Here is the next situation.

Dissatisfaction in male leadership. Just as Eve lusted after power, Adam sinned by refusing to counsel her against her sin, joining her in it, and then blaming her for his indiscretions. Does this sound familiar? Many men have proven themselves to be incapable leaders, especially politicians or church leaders and their sexual affairs. After so much failure a woman wants to fix the situation. Instead of encouraging the males in the godly way, many women nagged them to the point of discouraging them from ever wanting to lead properly. Once these tactics failed, those women decided that men are bad at leading and they should do it themselves.

While these fears are often valid, the ways women usurp men is wrong. Society began to turn in favor of the dissatisfied woman and made men the brunt of the jokes. Men are now portrayed as lazy, inept, and perverted who are only good for bringing in some income, lifting heavy boxes, and making babies. Men are good-for-nothings in today’s society. They are easy to manipulate, nag, and seduce, and that is the way many women like them: easily controllable.

Now women have what they worked so hard to achieve, and they find out they are unhappy in their current situation. This is not surprising to me. In my next blog, I will discuss what a Christian marriage should look like in terms of authority and submission. Why are men the ones to lead? What does it mean to lead? What does it mean to submit? If women are not leading, what are they to do? I will answer these questions within Biblical context.

Modesty = Selflessness

I just read this recently from a fellow blogger: Modesty is a virtue. She described modesty according to its definition and encouraged her readers to think of it as more than just the way we dress. I completely agree with her. Modesty, by its definition is: “freedom from conceit or vanity; propriety in dress, speech, or conduct” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary). So why is it only seen as an undesirable way of dressing rather than a state of being?

Many women have the unfortunate habit of basing their worth on their looks; consequently, they are enslaved by vanity and conceited behavior. While this has been a troublesome area for women for many centuries, it became externally apparent through their immodest dress during the sexual revolution. Men and women alike were embracing their sexual drives before their marriages; as a result, other women started to feel pressured to be more physically involved with their male counterparts, because “everyone was doing it”. This led to the idea of the sexually alluring woman, who dressed very skimpily in order to attract a male. Many women sought after this look because they believed men expected it; many men expected it after women lowered their standards and catered to their physical needs before marriage. Soon enough it became the new standard and the media played off of it. The desirable woman embraced her sexual side before marriage and let every willing man lust after her revealed body.

The sexual revolution of the 1960’s was also accompanied by the rebellious teenagers disillusioned with the Vietnam War and their parents’ archaic ways. Any sort of association with the past seems to have been cast aside for an immediate pleasure like sex, drugs, and rebellion. The standards of the proper 1950’s and the morality-preaching church were mocked and discarded. Over time propriety seems to have been thrown out the window, as was the idea of chivalry and modesty. These ideas have stayed and worsened until now and they must change before they get worse.

I will discuss how Christians, particularly women, should view the topic of modest clothing and the mindset accompanying it. This used to be a real struggle for me until Christ took over my life. I would always try to find loopholes based around my own insecurities and selfish desires. I am grateful to God for changing my mind and heart so that I am a blessing to my brothers in Christ rather than a temptation.

9In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. 1 Timothy 2:9-10

The modest mindset. As stated in the above verses, the focal point of a woman’s life should not be material possessions and looks, but Godly things like good works. A woman should first seek the welfare of others before concentrating on her appearance. This includes taking care of her family and the less fortunate. I do not believe it is a sin for women to braid their hair or wear a wedding ring or buy jewelry. I do think money is often wasted on overly expensive jewelry and clothing, which instead could be used to sustain the family and give to various ministries. I believe modest apparel stands for both the quality of clothing and the cut of it. It all comes down to intentions and selflessness when deciding what is appropriate to wear.

Luke 12:23 “For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.” What is the point of having designer clothes? It is typically a status symbol for people to feel proud of. I have bought some designer clothes at a highly reduced price because they are better made and better fitting than others, but my intention is not for pride’s sake. What is the point of showing cleavage, midriff, or upper legs? Most women do this because they are insecure and want to be viewed as a sex object. I do not ever think it is appropriate to willingly show skin in those areas. Sometimes things will make our modest dress immodest for a moment, like the wind blowing our skirts up or our cami’s slipping down, but those situations are fleeting accidents.

But how can we discern what is appropriate without feeling like we must wear shapeless blobs to cover up our God-given beauty? This is where the selflessness comes in. Would you ever go up to a male friend in just your underwear? No? Why not? It would very likely cause them to stumble, or be tempted to think about you in an inappropriate manner, or even to sin. I don’t believe you want the sins of another on your head. Do not EVER cause a male to feel like you, as a Christian sister, are a temptation. You know what men find attractive about the female form. So don’t display it, any of it.

It’s not my fault men look at me! I don’t ask for it! Unfortunately, animalistic men do find something about every woman to lust about, whether you intended them to or not. But if you are using this excuse to wear mini-skirts (as I used to do) then you are living in ignorance. What is your intention if you are not trying to get men to lust after you? Are you just trying to fit in with society and fashion? That doesn’t work well if you plan to follow Jesus. James 4:4 “Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.” Ouch.

What about special events or bathing suits? Do not change your values based on a special event or pool party. If you would not walk up to a male friend in just your knickers, don’t walk up to him in a bikini or inappropriate bathing suit. Do you plan to be modest for every night except Prom Night? It is difficult to find dresses that cater to modesty, but that is no excuse. There are things to insert in a dress that shows cleavage, shawls to wear around strapless gowns, and the power to just say no to skimpy clothing. If you can’t fix it to make it modest, don’t buy it. It’s as simple as that.

What about other cultures and societies? Personally, I don’t know much about the dress codes of different societies. If you are going somewhere on a missions trip I would urge you to not change your values based on geography.

My family thinks it’s immodest for a woman to wear pants. I have heard different reasons for why a woman should wear pants. Some say it is unfeminine to wear pants and some say it is not good for a woman to reveal the shape of her legs. I just say treat your legs like any other part of your body; not too short, not too tight, and not too revealing. I love to wear skirts, but if a woman is wearing pants specifically meant for a woman I don’t see anything inappropriate about it. If she were wearing pants meant for a man then I would urge her against it. If you are still under your parents’ authority (or your husband’s) you should honor their rules. There’s nothing wrong with wearing only skirts and dresses.

How can men stay modest? Men should be examples of modesty to encourage the women in their lives to also be modest. Their mindsets as men of Christ should be selfless as well, and their dress should reflect that. Men should take care in displaying their body around women; women are just as attracted to the male figure as men are attracted to the female figure. If a man would not go shirtless to church, I would advise him not to go shirtless in a pool. There’s just no need for it. Men should also take care in not wearing another too short, too tight, or too revealing (especially of the arms and midriff). I do not believe men should wear clothing designated for a woman.

It is possible for women to feel beautiful and wear stylish clothing in complete modesty every day, as well as prom night. It takes a little bit of effort and a whole lot of resolve. The world will tell you “you’re unfashionable, weird, and repressed by ineffective church rules” – don’t listen! Always remember that modesty is a mindset and reflects itself in your Christ-like external appearance and good works.