The Importance of Forgiveness: Part 3 -- The Unrepentent

I recommend reading The Importance of Forgiveness Parts 1 and 2 before reading this particular blog. Part 1 is about the definition of forgiveness; Part 2 is the definition of true repentance; and Part 3 will deal specifically with the unrepentant. What do Christians do when somebody refuses to repent? There are several different underlying factors when a person does not repent (ie recognize and change sinful behavior). Are we still required to forgive the person even if they have not yet asked for forgiveness? It is impossible to forgive somebody if they have not yet asked for forgiveness. Is there something to forgive? Yes. But how can it be done if there is no repentance? Jesus says in Luke 17:3-4 " Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him." Again, forgiveness is the act of pardoning a person's sins or mistakes and not holding it against them ever again; repentance is the act of changing a behavior (or sin) as a result of remorse or contrition for that behavior (or sin).

I think it's fantastic and heart-warming when a Christian proclaims to the world that they have forgiven the person(s) responsible for murdering their loved ones. It is a bold statement, it is honorable, and it certainly sheds a good light on Christianity. However, I would argue that it is not the exact model of forgiveness the way our Lord lays it out. Before God forgives us, we must come to Him, renounce our ways, and ask Him to pardon us for our sins. Then He faithfully and lovingly forgives us and cleanses us from our sin. What did He do before we asked for forgiveness? He made it clear that He wanted to forgive us. (Matthew 18:14 "So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones perish.") He showed us how wrong our behavior was, and promised us that He would cleanse us from it and teach us to change it. But He did not forgive us until we asked for it. If God forgave everyone for sins before they asked for it, they would have no need to repent and they would go to Heaven. That is the doctrine of the Universalists, which is completely unBiblical and wrong.

Now, just because a Christian does not have to officially forgive a person unless that person repents, that does not mean the Christian is allowed to harbor anger in their heart toward the person. In fact, Jesus says this in Matthew 5:43-44: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." A Christian must be ready to forgive a person as soon as they ask for it the same way Jesus is ready to forgive a sinner when a sinner repents. Jesus does not say, "No, I can't forgive you yet -- I'm still ticked about the way you used my name in vain." It is essential for a Christian's heart to be prepared to forgive a person the moment they ask for forgiveness! Since we do not know when a person will ask for forgiveness, our hearts must always be willing to forgive, that is, pardoning a person's sins and not ever holding it against them again. Christians do not have the liberty of holding a grudge or reveling in anger. Sometimes a person will ask for forgiveness when you did not even realize they sinned against you. I remember back when my fiance (at that time my boyfriend) and I asked for forgiveness from his parents for lying to them about something for years. They had no idea, and yet they forgave us on the spot. They were still crushed and heartbroken, but they pardoned us and did not ever hold a grudge or use it against us. That is a model of God's forgiveness. It is awe-inspiring to know that we, once sinners, came to the Father in humility and asked to be forgiven -- and He did it! Our sins are no more and He does not count them against us. Praise be to God for His love!

Here's a sticky situation: What do we do when a friend who professes Christianity sins against God and does not repent? You've probably known a person like this. Perhaps it is a person in your Sunday School who occasionally lies, or a college buddy in your Fellowship who is an underage drinker. Most of the time these kinds of people are not unwilling to repent -- most of the time they say they really want to repent but just end up sinning again in some way. We should not, as some claim, "cut them some slack because we all sin too". This statement really gets me upset. It's about the most hypocritical statement I've ever heard in my life. Not only should we not excuse sin, we should not engage in it! Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? May it never be! How can we who died to sin still live in it? (Romans 6:1-2) No, the proper response would be to go to your friend in love and try to help them correct their behavior so that they may be reconciled to God. Normally this involves many interventions, late-night chats, Bible studies, and accountability partners. Ask your spiritual leaders for help, for they will undoubtedly have good ideas about disciplining a brother. Jesus gives us some instructions in Matthew 18:15-17 "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican." It's pretty straight-forward. For the most part, the person in question will only get to Stage Two before they wise up and taking measures to stop sinning.

If you know somebody who has surpassed Stages 1 and 2 of Jesus' Helpful Guide to Bringing Back the Unrepentant, then this person is probably in deeper darkness than you initially realized. Commit them to serious prayer. They need it. This person is in great spiritual danger and might need to experience a very hardcore kind of love. If a person calls him or herself a Christian and obviously lives a life contrary to God's standards and refuses to change, even after countless hours of pleading and explaining why their lifestyle choices are unBiblical, you and your church are required to cut that person out of the church as a last resort. That seems quite harsh and almost contrary to the modern (albeit Biblical) exhortations to love that person no matter what. But here's the kicker: sometimes kicking a person out of the church is the most loving thing you can do. Paul talks about this extensively in 1 Corinthians 5. Verse 5 specifically explains why this is a loving act. "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." This person is obviously not saved, but thinks they are. Paul even refers to this kind of person later in the chapter as a "so-called brother". This is the most dangerous spiritual state to be in. If a person believes they are saved when they are really not, they have no incentive to change their ways or repent. They believe they are forgiven already and going to Heaven when really they are doomed to Hell.

Here is an instance of this in Matthew 7:18-23 --
A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits. Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you;DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.'

Paul, like Jesus, talks about not associating with a so-called Christian in 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 --
"I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; ¹⁰I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. ¹¹But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. ¹²For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? ¹³But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES." (CAPS part of NASB version)

While the modern church has it right that we are to love those who wrong us, we must attempt to correct their sins for their sakes. This is love in the most heart-wrenching form. To outsiders and to the person described in 1 Corinthians 5, this does not look like love. If you or your church feels called to carry out the actions of 1 Corinthians 5 as a last resort, it will be painful and difficult, especially if that person is a loved one. But God calls us to love others more than ourselves. How can we love someone if we refuse to tell them their sin will doom them to hell? How can we love someone if we sit back idly and allow a person to sin because it is easier and safer for us to ignore the issue? That is not love; that is selfishness. It is also heresy. If a so-called Christian blasphemes God's holy name by claiming to be a holy child of God and yet refuses to repent -- what does that say about our perfect and holy God?! How does that look to non-believers? If you refuse to cut a person like this out of their life because you love them so much you couldn't bear to see them in pain, then you are treading into dangerous territory. Jesus says in Matthew 10: 37 "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." Take care that your love is agape love, as shown in 1 Corinthians 13, not the kind of false love that stifles a person's well-being for your own sake.

This is a difficult topic, especially since I have a loved one in this situation. I do not write this because I enjoy the idea of cutting out those who defile God's name. I do this out of love, the kind of love that requires me to love another more than myself, to put their salvation as my top priority. It is a love that "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth" (1 Cor 13:6). This kind of love requires absolute faith in God's holy Word, trust in His judgment, and absolute reliance on His wisdom. God knows best, and if He says we should do something a specific way, it is because He has a good reason. Oh how glorious that day will be with the unrepentant finally humble themselves before the Lord!