The difficulties of a "hybrid" relationship

Hello, all! I'm sorry it has been so long since I've updated. Needless to say, I've got plenty of things to talk about from the past few months! I realize today is Valentine's Day, but forgive me as I take this opportunity to warn you instead of quoting Song of Songs. I'm going to discuss the potential dangers of a Christian dating a non-Christian. I do not mean to offend those who are currently doing so, or those who have parents and loved ones who married a non-Christian. I'm certainly not judging these relationships, but from what I've seen and what I know, I am wary of the "hybrid" romantic relationship. (I call it "hybrid" because Christians are technically aliens, so I promise I'm not dissing the non-Christians, I just watch a lot of sci-fi.) Personally, I do not declare it to be overtly sinful (unless done sinfully), but I think it can be a very bad idea -- especially if entered into flippantly -- and I will henceforth (I love that word) caution you against it.

Reasons why it is not a grand idea:

1) Marriage is a spiritual representation of Christ and the church. Read Ephesians 5:22-33. (No seriously, go read it.) The man is considered the spiritual leader and head of the relationship. He is to present her to Christ holy and blameless, having led her down the path of righteousness. This is a HUGE burden for the man to carry, especially if his wife is not a Christian to begin with! (Disclaimer: it is not the husband who cleanses the wife, but Christ -- the husband is to encourage her in it and protect her purity, as he is her primary caretaker and partner in life.) He will doubtless feel lonely and possibly disrespected if his wife does not take his role seriously. If he is not a Christian, then his wife will find it difficult to trust what he has to say, and value what advice he has to give. It is possible he will advise her in a manner she finds sinful, putting her at odds against him.

2) The laws of relationship physics: A relationship that is not based on the same foundation is sure to either break apart or cause one of the members of the relationship to change in a significant manner. I can tell you this, because I've been the non-Christian in the relationship with a Christian. Originally Caleb and I were both non-Christians, and then he turned to the Lord and I didn't follow suit. I didn't have the same mindset as him, and I would rather have things go my way than the right way. It was easy for me to want to see him falter, because then he would be brought down to my level. Thankfully, he stayed strong in the Lord and I got saved. Yes, I know, I did the exact thing I am now preaching against -- but that is why! I know why it's dangerous to date a non-Christian because I used to be one. If both of us were unwilling to change in the relationship, I would have resented the fact that he was a Christian and would eventually ask him to choose between me and God in one way or another. (Guess who would have won? God!! Then I'd be out a fiance and some other lucky girl might be marrying him.) I am overjoyed that he and I are fellow heirs in the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7), as it is the strong foundation of our relationship.

3) The Bible seems to warn Christians against marrying non-Christians. A Christian is someone redeemed by Christ, who is made holy by God. An unbeliever is still a sinner, one who disobeys the authority of God, and cannot encourage their partner to follow the path of light, because they themselves do not know what righteousness is. 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? ¹⁵ And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? ¹⁶ And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God." (For a very in-depth look at this passage, please consider reading this blog by Al Maxey. He explains it better than I could! http://www.gracecentered.com/unequally_yoked.htm)

Important note: If a Christian is already married to a non-Christian, they must remain married! It might be more difficult for them, but they have already made their vows and they should act as a witness toward their spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 addresses this: "But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. ¹³And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. ¹⁴For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. ¹⁵Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. ¹⁶For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" Clearly "hybrid" marriages happened even back in the disciples' time. 1 Peter 3:1-2 "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ²when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." But one could argue that these women were married to unbelievers before they knew Christ.


Okay, but what about _______?

• How can you help falling in love with a non-Christian? Love is a choice, not a feeling. You decide when you commit your heart and life to somebody. This is why we are to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23 NIV "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.") until we know for certain this is God's intended plan. Even when Christians are dating Christians they should still guard their hearts! If you are currently romantically attached to a non-Christian, then I suggest you go to a trusted spiritual leader. They can give you a good perspective and check to make sure your relationship with God is not suffering. I do not discount the possibility that God might desire a Christian to be involved with a non-Christian.
  

• I'm only dating, it's not like I plan on marrying this guy/gal. The word "dating" has as many variations as Crayola has colors. For the purposes of this discussion, I will define dating as a situation with romantic intentions. You can get to know somebody platonically to decide if they are right for you or not. If you are prematurely sharing your heart with someone you have absolutely no intention of marrying, then you are just giving away pieces of your heart that your future husband/wife cannot reclaim. If you are involved with this person in a physically intimate way (sex or no sex), you are giving yourself away to someone who has no long-term vested interest in you. And that's that. It's emotionally damaging to you, your partner, and your future spouse. Many learn this the hard way. Casual dating often lends itself to issues of impatience, envy, or insecurity. Once you get into the mindset of "I deserve, I want, I must", you are no longer thinking along the lines of Jesus.

• But I feel like God is telling me it's okay! I am witnessing to him/her after all. I get wary of this statement and the idea of missionary dating. I cannot confirm or deny what God is telling you. All I can tell you is what the Bible says (refer back to point # 3). Are there success stories of Christians dating non-Christians and the non-Christians converting in the end? Of course, praise God for that! Just remember that many relationship break apart, and those 'success stories' were likely filled with a lot of heartache. I do have one encouraging story for you. A non-Christian man was dating a Christian woman, and she broke off their romantic relationship on the basis that he was not a Christian and she felt like it was not right. After many years he became a Christian on his own, they reconnected and started dating again. They got married and now they are missionaries and their daughter is a wonderful friend of mine.

• I'm not desperate, we just clicked! I believe you. I really do. As a dear friend of mine did rather diligently, she prayed for the young man she was interested in. She prayed that he would find Jesus, and that the door to their potential relationship would open or close on God's terms. She kept her heart pure and kept it in check to make sure it would not attach itself to a man not yet hers, and God rewarded her. Not in the way you think. He rewarded her by keeping her from heartache and by protecting her for her future husband. The door is closed for now, but she is still praying for the young man. Perhaps in the future he will also come back to her and say "I'm a Christian now, how about that date?" Or maybe not, but for now, she is content to just wait. She is the best example of Philippians 4:6-7 I've seen: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Please do not think I consider you or your parents sinful or horrid for being in a "hybrid" relationship. I caution you against it (assuming you are not already married) because I have seen the emotional and spiritual damage that has been done in the lives of many I hold dear. I have also seen the struggle of many Christian friends who were interested in non-Christians, and they pursued God through it all. It was not easy for them, but God is faithful. I cannot tell you the plan of God. I cannot tell you what the will of God is for your life. If you are convinced that you are to marry or be in the life of a non-Christian, then do so blamelessly. Far be it from me to condemn you. Your life will be difficult, your trials many, and your prayers desperate. (This is true for Christian relationships as well.) But God is faithful to the last, and He will never abandon you. Pray over everything, and seek first after the Lord in everything you do. I pray that God will bless you with one who can delight in the Lord with you.

Recipe for a Godly relationship

Much of our culture’s failure with relationships – platonic, familial, and romantic -- has to do with the unbalanced variables that make a good relationship successful. There are many variables to a relationship. Some are necessary while others are over-exaggerated or non-existent. I believe the variables I have listed below are the universally most important (for Christians and non-Christians alike, though non-Christians might disagree with the first one listed). There are several other variables that could fit under the umbrella of a generalized one that I have listed. If you believe my list should be modified, please comment and let me know. My list comes purely from my own limited observations as well as my personal relationships; needless to say, my way is not the only successful way.

This is the recipe for a healthy, Godly Relationship:

1) Christ. Both of you need to have your own personal relationship with Christ as well as a relationship centered on Christ as a couple. This is the most essential aspect of a Christian relationship for obvious reasons. If you desire to follow Christ and your relationship does not meet His standards, something has gone terribly wrong. Friendships cannot be based on deceit or personal gain and romance is never selfish or impure.

2) Respect. This is where the idea of a wife submitting to her husband comes in, as well as the husband’s demands to love his wife as himself (see my previous blogs titled The Taboo Words: Submit and Obey). If you don’t respect your husband enough to trust him and obey him, why on earth did you marry him? If you don’t respect your wife enough to cherish her and treat her like one of God’s precious daughters, why did you bother marrying her and vowing to do so? Respect is also a vital part of a deep friendship. You should respect your friend enough to tell them when you find them at fault or even encourage them when they make a difficult decision and do something correctly. This then leads into the next vital component relationship.

3) Honesty. Communication is key to any part of a relationship. You must communicate your feelings, your decisions, and your differences in order to maintain a solid relationship. If a friend, family member, or spouse asks you for your opinion you should not lie to them to make them feel better, nor should you exaggerate the truth. The best option is to always tell the truth without any sort of falsehood; however, this does not mean one can disregard basic etiquette and speak harshly without restraint.

4) Love. Love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NASB ) this way: “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” Love is necessary in all relationships, especially if Christ is involved, for He is love. 1 John 4:8 says “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” In our society where love is equivalent to mere lust it is awkward to think about platonic love existing between friends in a pure way. But I hope you would treat your friend with kindness and forgive them for their wrongs just as you would a spouse.

I chose not to list other common variables in a relationship, like physical intimacy or emotional intimacy. My reason being that a romantic couple should still treat each other with love, honesty, and respect whether sex is in the picture or not. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without it the marriage will survive. The marriage will not do well if honesty, love, and respect are not in the picture. You could argue that a relationship will be fine without Christ at the center, but chances are that relationship would be ten times better if the two people involved were completely dedicated to Christ’s model of perfect love and selflessness.

Perhaps you have never seen a healthy, Godly relationship modeled for you properly. Let me assure you that it is possible! God would not demand something of us that is impossible to achieve; that would be illogical. I recommend you get to know a Godly older couple in your area that can model for you what a true relationship ought to look like. Every couple will have disagreements in their lifetime, but they should not fight or yell or assert their power over the other. Most people will accidentally hurt the feelings of their significant other with something they say, but it should never be intentional to hurt another or tear them down. Love builds up and encourages in Truth – to do anything else would be a cheap imitation of love and therefore a lie. Do not be deceived by Satan.

If both people are dedicating their lives to putting their significant other’s needs before their own, they will have a very solid and happy relationship. Selflessness on both ends only leads to a Christ-like relationship. If love is in the center, it will not fail.

Effects of the Media: Part 2 -- Warped Love and Sexuality

Love is such an expansive topic, I cannot possibly hope to penetrate all of its amazing qualities in one blog. I will concentrate on the way the media twisted the idea and definition of love into lust. For simplicity's sake I will define love based off of 1 Corinthians 13. When I say "love", I am discussing Agape, the long-lasting choice to put your romantic partner's well-being above yours. When the media says "love" they mean Eros, the emotion-based love that is dependent on circumstances. You cannot hope to have a lasting, functional relationship without Agape, but the media suggests that love can survive entirely off of lust, or even Eros. I will show why their portrayals are faulty and how it has affected impressionable viewers.

I must take a position of compassion and righteous anger when it comes to the topic of Warped Love and sexuality. So many people destroyed their lives and the lives of others through their pursuit of Love, or what masquerades as love. My compassion mourns for the souls who have broken hearts and for those who believe their sinful actions are justified all in the name of "love". It seems as though this "love" is rampant throughout the world, reaping destruction and pain in its path. I know this love to be an impostor. Love, by definition, cannot be a thing that destroys; it is the action that builds up those around us. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When I make an effort to read this definition from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 slowly, I recognize all of the ways the world does not show love the way it is meant to be. The main force that encourages the lies about love is the media. Love is now synonymous with Lust and Self-Absorption. Instead of enduring all things it endures until money gets too tight. It is something to fall in and out of, uncontrollable and based entirely on emotion. What happened to change love from a selfless action into a self-absorbed emotion? Part of it was a yearning for an escape from reality. Love is the most difficult thing to work at, so it is easier to make it seem like it is out of our control. As I surmised in my last blog, the complacency of the viewers contributed greatly. They gave the media one inch and the media took it and sprinted away until all voices either faded out in the distance or joined in. Once the younger generation grew up believing sexuality was a thing to be displayed or bought and love was a cheap dance of meaningless pursuits, the world fell deeper into sin.

These three scenarios are the extremes of media love -- every other possible scenario seems to be a variation of these listed. I will explain the media's portrayal, then show the faulty beliefs (lies) and combat it with truth as it applies to the definition of love (agape) in 1 Corinthian 13.

1) Two lovers meet in a bar, get drunk, and have sex. Their relationship will continue if the sex is good and end abruptly and awkwardly if the sex is bad, assuming they were not too drunk to remember. If they continue in a long relationship, one of them will inevitably "fall in love" with somebody else or have a sexual affair.

• Impressionable lies: People base their relationship entirely off of sexual appeal and satisfaction and find happiness in this. The only reason their relationship failed was because one person was unhappy sexually; therefore, sex is a requirement to make a relationship work.

• Combative truth: A "love" based on how much the partner can pleasure you is not love at all, it is merely sexual attraction and lust. Sex is a natural part of a loving relationship, where two people can entrust their hearts, minds, and bodies to each other in the committed covenant of a marriage. It is not the most important part of a relationship and should not be a "deal maker or breaker".

2) Two lovers fall in love at first sight. Through all challenges they persevere, even when avoiding the root of the problem. They will forsake all else for "true love".

• Lies: Love is based off of first impressions and chemical reactions. True love should come naturally; if it is difficult then it must not be love. Nothing is as important as true love, even if that means going back on your commitments.

• Truth: Love is a decision to act patiently, kindly, becomingly, humbly, selflessly, righteously, truthfully, faithfully, hopefully for all times in all situations no matter what. For most people it takes a lot of work to act in this way toward all people, especially in trying times. True love will not harm another person in order to thrive; it will not forsake its commitments and promises. When celebrities say "I left my wife because I found my true love" they are not acting in a selfless way. They can decide whether to love their wife whether they "feel" something or not.

3) Two people grow closer through their dangerous adventures together. They learn to protect each other and are sometimes willing to sacrifice their own lives to save the other. They can't help falling in love with the person who saved them.

• Lies: Adventure and danger makes a person more appealing. Love is always exciting and you owe it to the person who protects you.

• Truth: Love perseveres through difficulty, it is true, but it is not necessarily a product of difficult times. You choose to love someone whether that person is adventurous or not. Giving your heart to somebody should mean they are worthy of your love and respect. A person who has no morality and who treats the opposite sex as flesh to satisfy their desires is not a worthy candidate for love. They should be shown love the way Jesus loves sinners, but it would be unwise to trust and love a person who does not love anyone but themselves.

Millions of people watch these scenarios play out and do not recognize anything wrong with them; in fact, they believe this alternative to be better than reality and attempt to mirror it in their own lives. Their escape from reality only lasts for 2 hours in a movie, so they take what they perceived and apply it to their own lives and seek to encourage others to do the same. Once society sees how "free" these people are, it models the behavior as the new "norm".

We have hundreds of thousands of desperate people searching for lasting love in a sexual escapade. Why is this such an issue? Because once these people realize that what they have is not love (or they find something better), they want out! The projected divorce rate in America is 50%! http://www.divorcerate.org/ We have a generation of children who believe that love is not lasting, that it is something not to be trusted or even attempted. Children who were affected by adultery (or sexually dissatisfied parents) believe love cannot last without sex, and this idea is only reinforced in the media which they so readily absorb.

Before these children even grow up they are attempting to find love through sexual endeavors. "A study presented in 2008 revealed that around 26% of young American women aged 14-19 are infected with at least one of the four most common sexually transmitted infections. This amounts to around 3.2 million female teenagers. The most widespread infection is HPV (human papilloma virus, which can cause genital warts and cervical cancer), found in 18% of young women. In second place is chlamydia, with a 4% infection rate. The study found that African American teenagers are most severely affected; around 48% of young African American women have an STD, compared to 20% of young white women." http://www.avert.org/stdstatisticusa.htm

How does our brilliant and culturally evolved society attempt to combat these appalling STD statistics? By promoting miracle drugs and getting rid of any programs that promote abstinence. What's more, some people in government are attempting to enforce the HPV vaccine on ALL female girls as a "preventive measure", whether they plan to be involved with a previously sexually active male or not. http://pediatrics.about.com/od/immunizations/a/0207_hpv_school.htm

This affects our society spiritually as well: Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. (Ephesians 5:1-5) Oh boy, well this is not very popular.

So what shall we do? Obviously we must follow God's commands and not be swayed by the evil ways of the world. I recommend you read Psalm 37. Besides the beautiful passage regularly quoted "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...." it has this: "The wicked plots against the righteous/ And gnashes at him with his teeth. /The Lord laughs at him, /For He sees his day is coming." Pslam 37:12-13. Honestly, it makes me very relived to know that our God is so powerful He can just laugh at the wicked the way my big brother laughs at me when I try to punch him. The wicked are no force to reckon with when we have God on our side.

Be ready to speak against evil. Your time will come when you must stand up for what you believe in.